New Chapter in my life.... and I'm not ready!
So school is officially starting on Tuesday! I’m freaking out just a little. See, I have had at least one child home with me for the last 10 years, there were a couple of years where I had two home with me. This is a new chapter for me, one that I am unfamiliar with. I don’t remember what it is like to not have one of my kids at home with me. My life before kids seems like eons ago and foreign to me now. Ten years is not that long but so much has changed in our lives that it might as well be 30 years ago. We moved, had three children, lost loved ones, started new businesses, grew personally and spiritually and I came to the realization that my purpose was to be a mom to the greatest gifts on earth.
I have had my own business for many years, since before my first was born. So, when baby #1 came along I had to learn how to “work from home” and raise a child at the same time. It was not easy! I never really got any work done during the day and then I spent my evenings trying to catch up. As she grew and was a little more independent, I didn’t want to work. I wanted to spend time with her, watching her learn, taking her to the park, reading to her and just enjoying every minute. By the time baby #2 and #3 came along I never really “worked” during the day. I always saved it for after they went to bed. Now don’t get me wrong, there were many days where I had to get stuff done, where one quick email turned into an hour or two of work. When that happened, and my little ones had to play with toys, or I would have them coloring, or playing with Play Doh when they were old enough, I felt so guilty. I mean like beat yourself up guilty. I felt like I missed out on that day of their life. Crazy, I know! My husband would try to explain to me that it was unrealistic to think that I had to entertain them every second of the day. I knew he was right but call it maternal guilt or maternal madness you decide.
I would compare what I did with #1 and if I had given 2 and 3 the same attention and did the same activities. I was driving myself mad. I still do it deep down inside, even though I know that it can’t possibly be the same. They are all different, I’m different as a mother and the family in general is different. But again, as mothers I think we are wired to always have that feeling in the pit of our stomachs “am I doing things right”
So fast forward to this coming Tuesday where I will be “working from home” for real, as I will have no children at home with me for the first time in 10 years! As I write this, my stomach is in knots, the way you feel when you’re about to hear some really, bad news! I’ve been thinking about this day for the last year, meaning I’ve had it in the back of my mind so everyday I had with #3 I really tried to cherish it. I would sneak in work meetings here and there but make sure I was back in an hour, to spend time together before the other two came home.
I am blessed to have been able to be home with them up until they started school. All the stressful days where I was trying to juggle it all, house, work, kids, appointments, extra curriculars, homework etc. (this is all with a very “hands on” husband by the way!) I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I would, because I would get to enjoy my babies again. Because no matter how much you try to cherish the moments, they seem to just fly by. I would because the greatest joy in my life has been bringing them into this world and watching them grow into these amazing little people full of wonder and awe. I would do it all over again because being their mom has shaped the woman I am today.